AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
