hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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