I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
