Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
