Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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