My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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