I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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