i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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