There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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