OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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