I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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