saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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