Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize