i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
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