Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
