I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
being pregnant is like rehab
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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