I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
