So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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