This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
