You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
