Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize