you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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