mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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