My sheets look like a crime scene.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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