she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I have fence marks all over my body
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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