I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
