i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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