I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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