Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize