If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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