we have pet lesbian snakes
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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