she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
