I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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