Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Randomize