is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Randomize
