I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
We named our party play list daddy issues
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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