Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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