I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
