and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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