You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
