Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
