I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
