walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
