I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
