i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
