Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
