I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
