you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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