Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
