wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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