So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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