I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
