Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize