She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
