I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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