why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
