she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
