"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I wear drunk well.
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