If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
