my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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