The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I just pynch a tree in the face
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
