Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
