I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
