I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
