watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
