I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize
